5:01

Every Friday we designate this weekend’s honorary drinker.  You know, like a parade marshal.  Except cooler.

After last week’s holiday hiatus, we return with this week’s honorary drinker:  Eric Stratton.  Some people are Bluto guys.  Others are Neidermeyer guys.  A few people are even pants-less Donald Sutherland guys.  Me, I’ve always been an Otter guy.  Go forth and remember, when things get bad, it just means it’s time for a road trip.

There's always time for a nightcap at Otter's.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I’ll be brief.  The issue here is not whether we broke a few rules, or took a few liberties with our female party guests – we did.  But you can’t hold a whole fraternity responsible for the behavior of a few, sick twisted individuals. For if you do, then shouldn’t we blame the whole fraternity system?  And if the whole fraternity system is guilty, then isn’t this an indictment of our educational institutions in general?  I put it to you, Greg – isn’t this an indictment of our entire American society?  Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but we’re not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America.”  – Eric “Otter” Stratton

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OnStar For Life

If you listen to the radio at all you have probably heard those OnStar commercials where they play live calls from people using OnStar in an emergency.  But, maybe you haven’t noticed the disturbing escalation of the emergency calls they are choosing.  That’s why they pay me the big bucks.  I notice these things.

The original commercials usually had a recording of some “funny” problem where someone locked their keys or cellphone (or dog) in the car.  It was all laughs and harmless anecdotes.  It made you feel good inside.  Then all of the sudden the people down at OnStar apparently got restless.  Out went the lighthearted commercials and in came the steadily increasing tragedy.

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All The Filler Fit To Print

Entertainment columinsts can’t just publish continuous stories about Michael Jackson.  (Right? Please tell me it will stop.)  Sometimes they need to throw in a little filler.  Check out three of the latest entertainment stories that azcentral.com has picked up.  Beware, this is shocking stuff.

Danny boy wishes he was taller than 5'5. I wish I was wizard. Looks like we are both shit out of luck.

• Daniel Radcliffe Wishes He Was A Little Bit Taller.  No word on whether he also has designs on being a “baller” or having a girl who looked good so he could call her;
• Lindsay Lohan Claims She Is A Workaholic.  Well, I guess she is half right.  Is trying really hard all the time to get wasted considered “work?”
• Johnny Depp Speaks French.  Yeah.  He lives in France.  And?

If this is all you got, keep the Jacko stories coming guys.

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5:01

Every Friday we designate this weekend’s honorary drinker. You know, like a parade marshal. Except cooler.

This week’s honorary drinker is Anthony Bourdain.  America’s crankiest chef and unrepentent smoker, drinker, meat-eater, and appreciater of the truly fine things in life.  Go forth and beware of vegans.

When you're the Chef, there's nothing wrong with a little drinking on the job.

“If some Birkenstock-wearing knucklehead driving around in a SUV and wearing sneakers someone was sold into slavery to make is sniffling about the poor animals, that person is clearly never going to experience the world.” — Anthony Bourdain

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Ever Wanted Listen To “I Am The Walrus” Underwater?

Reports are that Michael Phelps will sign his first endorsment deal since photographs of him smoking “the pot” (as Katie Couric so lovingly refers to it) were released last year.  No, all you jokesters, it isn’t a new multi-year deal with High Times magazine, Captain Crunch, or Trails.

For one magical summer in 1998, these guys sat atop both the AP and Coaches' Polls as the #1 ranked deep-core oil drilling team in the world.

The new deal will be with H20 Audio, a company who makes waterproof headphones and accessories.  

This got me thinking about who exactly needs this product.  Isn’t this a niche market?  How many people are really desperate for underwater headphones? 

After some brief brainstorming, I came up with the following list: (1) swimmers; (2) surfers; (3) scuba divers; (4) Bruce Willis’ #1-rated deep-core oil drilling team; and (5) old people who do pool aerobics. 

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5:01

Every Friday we designate this weekend’s honorary drinker. You know, like a parade marshal. Except cooler.

This week’s honorary drinker is Sam Axe.  When he’s not watching Michael Westen’s back or wooing the widowed heiresses of Miami, he can be found sipping a mojito or having a beer (or six) along the bars of South Beach.  Go forth and remember, when scheming, there’s always time for a few drinks.

For the measley price of a couple of beers, Sam's got your back.

“Serious?  Like ‘don’t finish that beer’ serious?” – Sam Axe

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It’s The End Of The World As We Know It (In 3.5 Billion Years)

Here at SoD, we celebrate the dark arts.  And, there is no darker art than Cosmology.  Which makes what I have to tell you all the more unsettling:

The Earth is going to collide with Venus.

After a very brief 3.5 billion-year courtship, Earth and Venus decide to get it on. Is there any decency left in the Universe?

Well, maybe.  Actually there is only a 1% chance this could occur — 3.5 billion years from now. 

The cause of this disaster is a little known phenomenon called “orbital chaos.”  Sounds like a 70’s prog rock band, right?  Nope.  It is the tolling bell of doom for your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandkids/cyborgs.

So there you have it.  Feel free to lose your job, drink yourself into oblivion, and plunge the stock market into the depths of the abyss.  Wait, you’ve already done that?  Well, say what you will about Earthians, but we aren’t procrastinators when it comes to planning our own demise.

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5:01

Every Friday we designate this weekend’s honorary drinker. You know, like a parade marshal. Except cooler.

This week’s honorary drinker is Inigo Montoya.  Once upon a time, Montoya was a rising star –ambidextrous with the sword and the ladies.  But, he threw it all away down a bottle of rum.  That is, until a giant sobered him up.  In his honor, go forth and have fun storming the castle.   

Father issues drove the otherwise-promising swordsman Montoya to the bottle.

“I don’t mean to pry, but do you by any chance have six fingers on your right hand?” – Inigo Montoya

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5:01

Every Friday we designate this weekend’s honorary drinker. You know, like a parade marshal. Except cooler.

This week’s honorary drinker is Jasper Newton “Jack” “John” Daniel (when you know him as well as I do, you call him John).  A distiller, a life-long bachelor, and a “Who’s More Grizzled?” three-time champion.  Get a glass and enjoy your weekend.  Old No. 7 will take care of the rest.

Here's Jack posing in the classic "bag of sticks" portrait style of the era.

“Every day we make it, we make it the best we can” – Jack Daniel (Well, he didn’t say it but his company did and that’s good enough for me.)

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Delaware Gets Cool

Earlier this week the Delaware Supreme Court approved an ass load of awesome. Delaware’s high court ruled that the state constitution did not conflict with a bill allowing sports betting. The NFL, in an attempt to piss on the wishes of a state with no NFL team, argued against the measure. Delaware is the 4th state to allow sports betting. And, while it is too far removed from SoD’s Arizona base (and parole officers) to supplant Vegas as our preferred place for debauchery, it greatly enhances the image of the state.

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