It’s Like You be Talking Funny Mack Brown Don’t Understand People with Short Money

Oh, this old thing? It is no big deal, just my old solid gold football.

According to the information generated from the Equity in Athletics Disclosure Act forms, in 2008  Texas generated the most revenue of any athletic program ($120.3 million), the most revenue of any football program ($72.9 million) and the most profitable football program ($52 million).  While Texas narrowly edged Ohio State in overall revenue and football revenue it dominated the Big XII like my clubbing arm dominates baby seals.  Notably no Pac 10 program, even media darling USC, cracked the top ten in athletic revenue or football revenue. 

Let me put Mack Brown’s financial juggernaut into perspective, Texas generated more in profit from football than any other team in the Big XII generated as revenue from football.  Nebraska the second highest grossing team in the Big XII generated $49 million in football revenue, and the land thieves in Oklahoma only generated $40.9 million in revenue from football.  So if you are keeping score at home that means Texas could buy and sell the rest of the Big XII and the Pac 10 the way Wendy’s founder Dave Thomas used to buy and sell orphans.*  College football is a story of the haves and Kansas States and Pac-10s of the world, and Texas certainly is head of the class in the haves column.  As a Longhorn, let me humbly say: WOOOOO HOOOOO!! 

*This may or may not be baseless rank speculation.  Not about Dave Thomas though, he was pure unadulterated evil.

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NCAA Forces Alabama to Vacate 21 Wins and Go to Bed With No Dessert

Vacating wins? Something tells me this fan base isn't bothered by that.

Sixteen Alabama athletic teams will be forced by the NCAA to vacate wins, for improperly engaging in such dastardly deeds as helping scholarship athletes obtain free textbooks and other illicit goods.  The football team will vacate 21 wins between 2005 and 2007 and pay a $43,900.00 fine.  Not exactly the death penalty, is it?  I am sure it will take Alabama’s athletic director at least 10 minutes to search his couch cushions and raid the ash tray in his car to find enough change to pay the fine.  This sanction is so impotent that to call it a punishment is a disgrace to sadists everywhere.  But I think we can all agree, the most shocking thing is this story is Alabama football players even having textbooks.

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Lane’s World. Party Time. Excellent.

Bob Ley's Lego hair is also a little-known NCAA infraction. One of many violated by Bobby Knight during his coaching tenure.

The first rule of journalism is “Don’t get involved with a newspaper.”  The second rule is “Don’t become part of the story.”  ESPN violates this rule more than any media outlet except for MTV (to the extent you can call it a news gathering station).  In yet another egregious violation, “Outside The Lines” has reportedly contributed to Tennessee’s growing resume of NCAA violations by filming a meeting between Lane Kiffin and a couple recruits.  This apparently violates NCAA recruiting rule 13.10 subsection “nobody reads these subsections anyway.”  For my money, Kiffin is working his first recruiting season like an evil genius.  Every minor infraction (such as this OTL snafu) garners him (and Tennessee) a week’s worth of national media attention.  I mean the only equivalent to this would be if a top NCAA basketball coach had a series of commericals running year round touting his greatness as a coach.  That would never happen, right?

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Joe Paterno Will Be Dead in the Cold Cold Ground Before Catholics Are Allowed in the Big Ten

Early this week at an alumni event, octogenarian Joe Paterno said he would not welcome Notre Dame to the Big Ten. He said he would like to see Rutgers, Pittsburgh or Syracuse join the Big Ten so that the conference can expand from 11 teams to 12 and have an important conference championship game. Notre Dame has repeatedly refused offers to join the Big Ten, preferring to remain a football independent with its own oversize CBS contract. Ever since working for the Spanish Inquisition as a young man, Joe Paterno has opposed the Pope’s influence and he isn’t about to stop now.

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Vince Young Promises You the Tastiest Mouthful of Meat You’ve Ever Had

Vince Young Foods has released three new products: smoked sausage, smoked brisket and smoked ribs. Mull that over for a second. I’ll be here, crying softly, remembering VY’s legacy as the greatest college QB of all time. Back? Good. (No, I wasn’t listening to Enya and playing with a straight razor in the tub, why do you ask?) Anyways, if the meats hold true to their maker, they will be absolutely awesome . . . until you pay for them. After purchase, Vince Young meats will likely have a promising start before a rapid decrease in quality, causing you to have concerns for the meats’ safety. They may be eventually be replaced by older and more cost effective veteran meats. I can only hope his meats come with a hearty dry rub containing plenty of Vince Young Antidepressants™.

If I can get some meat, I got recipes in my head . . . I could get everyone to want my meat in their mouth, baby!

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Pride in the Ol’ Alma Mater

Awesome Mustache- Check. Defrauding a University - Check. Ability to Look Directly At Camera - Um...

As you may know from reading SoD, I’m a proud alum of Kansas State University. I’m pretty much a homer when it comes to my beloved Wildcats and can usually justify just about any move they make, no matter how bad it might look. Case in point: K-State hires Frank Martin as men’s basketball head coach. Although Martin had never been a head coach above the high school level, I approve of this move anyway and tack it up to the ‘Cats just staying on the cutting edge of coaching hires. But today? Today I just hang my head in shame.

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Urban Meyer = Jesus Christ?

Nobody Goes Against the Gator Family

If you’re a Florida Gator fan you probably accepted this headline and moved on. If you’re not then you probably wonder whether or not this is heresy.

According to a recent report, Urban Meyer had the following to say about those who want to lob criticism at the Gator program:

“If you want to be critical of a player on our team or a coach on our team you can buy a ticket for seat 37F, you’re not welcome back in the football office,” Meyer said, according to the report. “You’re either a Gator or you’re not a Gator.”

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College Football Playoff Advocates Shocked by BCS Having Attained Self-Awareness

The Bowl Championship Series has paid former Oklahoma Sooner Felonious Land Thief and former U.S. Congress person J.C. Watts over $260,000.00 over the last five years for helping the BCS in Congress.  Is  J.C. Watts trying to torture OU fans everywhere?  After all, the BCS did bring the wretched Sooner faithful this wonderful game:

You have my attention J.C., go on . . . anything that can lead to more of this:

Mmm, yes more tears . . . more . . . MORE . . . MORE!!!

is a proposal I will entertain.

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Kansas State’s Bill Snyder Looks Forward to the Upcoming Season in Bill Snyder Family Stadium, Early Bird Special at Denny’s

Bill Snyder is back in charge at Kansas State and is looking forward to returning the program to its glory days.  Snyder’s highlights include: losing Big XII title games to huge underdogs, trips to the Alamo, Holiday, and Cotton Bowls, and playing as many non-NCAA Football Bowl Subdivision Division teams as possible.  Watch some of Scott Howard’s favorite K-State highlights below:

People close to the program report that Snyder is ready for the season and even remembers he is a football coach almost 43% of the time.  Snyder, who played quarterback at college football power William Jewel during the Eisenhower administration, is best known for his remarkable turnaround of the Wildcat football program.  Under his cataract-clouded watch the Wildcats went from one of the worst programs in the country to a respectable also-ran in the Big XII.  But don’t be fooled by his advanced age – Snyder is energized, ready for the challenge, and working as hard as ever, three days a week 9 a.m. to 1 p.m. with a 45 minute lunch break.  Watch out Tennessee Tech, he is breaking down your game film and drawing up plays to crack your defense wide open  … right after his nap.  Reports say Snyder is reading the “internets” to stay current with episodes of the current television hit “Wings” so he can relate to his players.

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Dolphins Rename Stadium, Promise Dennis Quaid Will be Ready for Next Season

I can't be any worse than Chad Pennington or Chad Henne.

The Miami Dolphins recently renamed the stadium they share with the Florida Marlins and Miami Hurricanes; it’s now called Landshark Stadium.  While the Dolphins claim the renaming is part of a partnership with singer and beach hippie Jimmy Buffet, I doubt this.  I believe the Dolphins are attempting to create excitement in their flagging organization by slowly morphing into the Miami Sharks from the immortal film, Any Given Sunday.  Tell me you wouldn’t rather see Al Pacino roaming the sidelines on Sunday afternoons than Tony Sparano?  And what looks better: the Sharks all black uniforms or the Dolphins aqua monstrosities?  I thought so.

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