The Two Jakes

On the eve of the NBA Draft, I wanted to take a look back at one of the more hilarious post-draft press conferences in recent Suns history.  I am speaking of the one-and-only Jake Tsakalidis, who responded to ESPN’s draft day questions with two words:  “Free” and “Strong.”  The “free” related to his ability to extricate himself from his then-current contract overseas.  The “strong” related to his ability to be a successful big man in the NBA.  I guess one out of two isn’t bad.

Oh, Jake was free alright but he certainly wasn't strong.

Through the magic of that thing they call the “world wide web,” I actually found a transcript of Jake’s first press conference with the Suns.  Below are the best excerpts with my comments in italics.  Enjoy.

BRYAN COLANGELO (Former Suns’ GM): Well, I’d like to thank everyone for coming today. Obviously, we are here to introduce the newest and the largest member of the Phoenix Suns Jake Tsakalidis. We’re happy to have Jake as a member of this team.

Remember the Colangelo family?  They used to run the team.  You know, back when it was financially and competitively successful.

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Dirk, She Played You Good. It’s Called The Honeypot.

Reports are that Dirk Nowitzki’s gold digger con artist former fiancee, Cristal Taylor has added “pulling the goalie” to her ever-growing rap sheet. Oh Dirk Dirk Dirk…..say it ain’t so. If there has ever been a more guaranteed forthcoming paternity test, I’d like to hear about it. Now I don’t usually like to accuse women of “pulling the goalie” without hard evidence but this quote by Ms. Taylor certainly makes you wonder, doesn’t it?

Not cool, man. Not cool.

I’ve known Dirk for seven years — and, no, I didn’t tell him everything about my past because I was afraid. But, I mean, now I’m pregnant and alone and broke because he is my only source of income.

Way to play that one close to vest Cristal. I guess there just wasn’t a lot of Dallas’ businesses looking for alleged former strippers/gold-diggers/con-artists. The economy has truly affected us all. But seriously, can’t you just imagine her seeing the writing on the wall (when Dirk suggested a pre-nup and background check) and taking the appropriate measures to secure her retirement? Taylor’s only worry now is getting the right result on the upcoming paternity test. If that happens, Dirk will go back to being her only source of income.

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Welcome to Sucker Month.

I grew up in Seattle, where the weather is almost uniformly cloudy for 9 months a year. But every August, the sun comes out and all of a sudden it’s 80 degrees and there’s no humidity and there are trees everywhere and mountains and lakes and it is beautiful. So, if you’re there as a tourist, you go “God damn! This place is awesome! Let’s move here!” A month later, the cloudy curtain drops and sticks around through June. And the newbies cry. August in Seattle is Sucker Month.

The kind of manboobs you build a team around.

In the NBA, it’s May. Every year, without fail, some yayhoo (yes, two y’s) plays significantly better in a series or two and then is richly rewarded in the off-season by some idiot GM. Because GMs are too stupid to realize that years of performance are more telling than a hot two-week run. Every year, one lucky player will receive the coveted Jerome James Memorial Award for his Sucker Month performance.

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