Cocaine Doesn’t Come Cheap

Per AZCentral (our new twitter friend), via the USA Today – former ASU QB and cup-throwing distance champion Sam Keller is suing the NCAA and EA Sports. In his suit, Keller claims that EA Sports video games go too far in how they represent college player likenesses.

Apparently being the third-string quarterback for a team in the now-on-hiatus Arena Football League (Los Angeles Avengers), while playing behind some guy named Tim Hicks and the 4th best quarterback in the last 8 years from Texas Tech (Sonny Cumbie), doesn’t pay the bills. It’s definitely real nice to see that Keller’s doing well for himself though. Like they always say, the first sign that your life is going to be a train wreck is when you lose a job to Rudy Carpenter (“they” say that right?).

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A Thank You to Rudy

No, not the lovable, hardworking, better-known-as-a-sidekick-hobbit Rudy. This letter goes out to one much closer to our black, black hearts here at Seasons of Discontent.

Mr. Carpenter:

We all want to cheer for the hometown team. You know, be true to your school and all. So you avoided the open hostility of at least this ASU fan for the past few years. Despite your constantly-running mouth, let alone your unique penchant for following a potentially drive-crushing sack with a certainly game-crushing interception. Still, your membership on the team and your willingness to play through injuries were just enough to prevent me from openly wishing you severe bodily harm. I was probably guilty of wishing moderate harm. Maybe not a Theisman-esque, “I never thought I’d get to see my own bone marrow” injury, but certainly something minor and poorly understood. Like a lis franc. Maybe an inflamed bursa sac.

Well, now you’ve signed with the Cowboys. Rudy, thank you for confirming everything I’ve always believed about you, and tipping the scales so I can actively root to see your insides exposed to the outsides. Which will be the only way you’ll ever be mentioned in the same breath as Napolean McCallum or any other NFL starter (youtube it if you dare). Oh, and good luck getting past Isiah Stanback* on the depth chart.

Sincerely,

Dr. Greenbaumberg

*Go Huskies!

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Nomad QB Transfers to ASU

Michigan sophomore quarterback Steven Threet has announced he will transfer to ASU in the fall. Under NCAA rules he must sit out the 2009 season before competing for the starting job in the 2010 . ASU fans welcome this news following the departures of Jack Elway and Chasen Stangel from the team, but they should be highly skeptical of Threet despite his Michigan pedigree. Actually, they should be highly skeptical BECAUSE of Threet’s Michigan pedigree. Threet will not become the next Jake Plummer or Andrew Walter. He is more likely to be a new Rudy Carpenter, sans the talent.

Threet assuming the Rudy Carpenter position.

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ASU, This Is Why You Fail

On Saturday 95,722 convicts Ohio State Buckeye Fans paid $5 a piece to watch Terrelle Pryor’s two touchdown performance in the spring game.  This set the all time record, topping the 92,138 inbred redneck Alabama fans that turned out to see their 2007 spring game.  ASU couldn’t draw that many fans to a regular season game for free (disregarding the fact that Sun Devil Stadium cannot hold that many fans).  At its spring game, ASU drew 5,500 fans which is just a shade behind such perennial powerhouses as Louisville, Rutgers and Oklahoma State.  Those three schools have a combined undergraduate enrollment approximately 1.75 times the size of ASU yet combined drew 7.85 times as many fans as ASU to their spring games.  Remember this ASU, next time you claim to be a big time college football program.  You aren’t.

Ohio State Fans have one thing to say to ASU fans and even their kids know what it is.

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My Top 5 Stomach Punch Games of All Time (that I could find on YouTube)

One of the wonderful things about YouTube is the ability to pull up clips of some of your favorite sports moments with the click of a button. On

That About Sums it Up

the other hand, if you’re having a shitty day and are filled with self-loathing (as Sgt. Zim typically is), you can pull up some pretty dark memories. Thus, for this post I channeled my “Inner Zim” to come up with my personal Top 5 Stomach Punch Games of All-Time. The conditions were simple:

(1) I had to have remembered watching it (sorry ’76 NBA Finals, or 1948 NFL Championship Game)

(2) I had to be able to find it on YouTube

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Phil Mickelson Will Call You Names.

Phil doesn't have time for Pussies

Two weeks ago at the Champions Dinner prior to the Masters, former Arizona State Sun Devil golfer Phil Mickelson was reportedly overheard having the following exchange with Nick Faldo (as cribbed by Dogs that Chase Cars via The Scotsman):

Mickelson (loud enough for everyone to hear): “Gee Nick, I didn’t realize that you are such a big guy. How come you used to hit it so short?”

Faldo: “Listen Phil, when you shoot 19 under par to win the Open at St Andrews you can start giving me a hard time.”

Mickelson: “I understand that. But how come you hit it like such a pussy?”

Faldo: “I played golf the proper way.”

Mickelson: “Yeah, like my wife.”

What a fun little exchange that must have been. There has been no confirmation yet as to if Mickelson followed his verbal haymakers by attempting to stuff the British-born Faldo in a garbage can, locker, or toilet. Stay tuned.

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