ESPN NFL Writer Power Rankings Based on Looks: May 2009 Edition

As you may be aware, ESPN recently released their NFL Power Rankings for the month of May. We here at SoD thought it was about time we added our two cents. However we all quickly realized that regurgitating rankings on the teams would be pretty boring (particularly in May) so we reverted to what makes us all great – ranking complete strangers based solely on their looks. With that, enjoy SoD’s inaugural ESPN NFL Writer Power Rankings (based on looks).

The rankings were determined by a panel of : Louie Renown, Career Sgt. Zim, and Scott Howard.

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Steamy. Latin. Looks.

A Hasselhoff for the 21st Century

To the left is Jets QB Mark Sanchez, if you follow this site regularly (and it seems that now TENS of you are) you realize that SoD has had a long (long!) relationship with the man referred to only as “Mr. SLL”, as seen here, here, and here.

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Coming Soon To A Thrift Store Near You!

New NFL jerseys for the most recent draft picks have hit the shelves. It is a time when hope springs eternal and the promise of a new season still rests, rose-colored on the horizon. But, it is also a time when some old friends’ jerseys must be retired. Not to the rafters but to the forgotten annals of team almanacs.

This year’s notable casualties include:

Rodney Peete’s Lions #9 Jersey – Replaced by young Matthew (don’t call me Matt) Stafford.

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Helio Castroneves Wins 500 Pole

Sometimes the music just speaks to me ... and it says taxes are for suckers!

Today, Helio Castroneves captured the pole position in the in 93rd running of the Indy 500.   Castroneves won the race in 2001 and 2002, back when the race was a bigger deal than it is now but after the Daytona 500 had eclipsed it as the iconic American car race.  Castroneves is better known for his recent win on Dancing With the Stars, the show where failing careers go to fail epically, and at being better at evading taxes than Wesley Snipes.  I will not be watching the Indy 500 and it is unlikely anyone here at SoD will be either.  If you think this post was an excuse to use the “Steamy Latin Looks tag,” then I applaud you.  Well played reader.

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A Vote for Robin Is a Vote for Failure

Apparently a Rookie of the Year Hopeful

You’d think we’d learn a lesson after being burnt by our Kiwi fan base, but…

Last week it was reported that Suns center Robin Lopez received a 2nd place vote for Rookie of the Year. Cute right? You’ve got to assume some media member got his Lopezes mixed up, as Robin’s twin brother Brook averaged 13 points and 8 boards for New Jersey this year.

Then just today it appears that Robin Lopez received one vote for the NBA’s All-Rookie First Team. Again, you’ve got to assume this was just a mistake, right?

For the record, the ROY award is voted on by the media while the All-Rookie teams are voted on by the coaches. That leaves us with one of two options:

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Looks Like Someone’s Got A Case Of The Mondays

For those of us in the wasteland of college football known as Arizona, the last four years have subjected us to the Rudy Carpenter Era and the Willie Tuitama Era.  Thankfully, both have ended.  What’s next for these two gunslingers?  Well neither was drafted in the NFL so it looks like its NFL Europe, Arena League, XFL the UFL.  

This is perfect for these two as the UFL has decided to headquarter its training and housing of players in (drumroll) Casa Grande, Arizona — perfectly positioned between the powerhouse mediocre progams of Tucson and Phoenix.  This has to be, as George McFly would say, “density.” 

 Therefore, without further ado, I give you the world’s first UFL draft breakdown in the form of a comparison between these soon-to-be stars of a league soon-to-be a trivia question on Jeopardy.

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The LIVE BLOG!

The draft is underway. I’m sitting here in the Scott Howard box on the side of the road house along with Sgt. Zim and a couple more pals ready to bring you our thoughts/musings.

1) Detroit Lions : Matthew Stafford QB – Georgia. Everyone knew this was coming. The only surprise was that the Lions didn’t milk the 15 minutes. Congratulations kid, you may be able to buy golden toilets for your house but you’re still the QB of the Detroit Lions. How many games before they force Stafford into action? 1? 2? Do you think he asks for Joey Harrington’s old locker?

The Best Thing to Happen to Detroit Since Robo-Cop

• Mike Maycock of NFL Network just informed us, speaking on Jason Smith that “Jason Smith is the best tackle available in the draft to play hard-nosed football”, I’m sure Andre Smith will be furious once he leaves his tea party.

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Let’s Win This One For Hans!

I remember a simpler time when the only “banks” I cared about left the dreaded “Hawks” to play for a motley crew of ragamuffin ice hockey rejects in a heartwarming triumph of the underdog last ditch effort to resurrect Emilio Estevez’s career (You can’t tell whether I am talking about Emilio or his character.  Ahhh, if only there was only a saying about life and its relation to art.)

What?! You want me to do Disney? You're fired!

Back then, all we cared about was whether Banks could rotate that hockey stick in the tense moments before the championship game.  “See Coach Bombay, I can play.”  After that, we just knew everything was gonna be okay.

This was a time when Dawson’s Creek was only known as a river where some kid drowned back in the 80’s.  A simpler time, if you will.

Those days are gone.  What we are left with is The Skulls, Two And A Half Men and Heavyweights. Wait, Heavyweights spawned MTV’s True Life: I Am Going To Fat Camp.  Nevermind, take it off the list.

(Insert "Bailout" joke here and cue Kevin Eubanks)

Anyways, it is only logical that financial institutions in this country would be next to fall.  And, it also follows that the fall of so many banks would create a ripple effect in the bank-robbing market. It’s official: banks have now screwed everybody.

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Chiefs Render Tens of Thousands of Fans’ Jerseys Obsolete

DT Never Did Teach You to Use That Coke-Nose

It appears official that Tony Gonzales is departing the midwest for the dirty south, with the Chiefs receiving a 2010 second-round pick as compensation for shipping off the face of the franchise.

Write yourself a little note to push Gonzo up yr fantasy draft board.  I won’t.

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I Can Has Millions?

On Saturday, Matt Stafford will likely be the number one over all pick in the NFL draft. After months of NFL Scouts drooling over him like a bunch of 13 year old girls pawing at the pages of Tiger Beat, talking about his rocket laser arm, his height, his wingspan, his foot work, his chiseled good looks (he is no Sanchez but he is good looking enough) and his 38 on the Wonderlic, he will finally get to cash in like a lottery winner. Unfortunately, the NFL does not give draft picks giant checks, a la Publishers Clearing House, but maybe just maybe we can see Stafford celebrate in the style he is used to:

Bring me the finest Schlitz in all the land!

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