U.S. Soccer Gags on Lead and Crushes Scott Howard’s Will to Live

The United States Soccer team choked away a 2-0 first half lead to lose to Brazil in the Confederations Cup Final. Brazil scored 3 unanswered second half goals and should have had four but for the ref missing the ball crossing the goal line. While the U.S. team should be applauded for making its first ever F.I.F.A. men’s final, this epic gag job should not be forgiven. So in summary, congrats on making the final and congrats on having a 2-0 lead at half time but epic fail at not choking on apple sauce in the second half.

Landon Donovan may as well have actually shit himself in the second half for all the good he did.

Read Full Post »

It’s Like You be Talking Funny Mack Brown Don’t Understand People with Short Money

Oh, this old thing? It is no big deal, just my old solid gold football.

According to the information generated from the Equity in Athletics Disclosure Act forms, in 2008  Texas generated the most revenue of any athletic program ($120.3 million), the most revenue of any football program ($72.9 million) and the most profitable football program ($52 million).  While Texas narrowly edged Ohio State in overall revenue and football revenue it dominated the Big XII like my clubbing arm dominates baby seals.  Notably no Pac 10 program, even media darling USC, cracked the top ten in athletic revenue or football revenue. 

Let me put Mack Brown’s financial juggernaut into perspective, Texas generated more in profit from football than any other team in the Big XII generated as revenue from football.  Nebraska the second highest grossing team in the Big XII generated $49 million in football revenue, and the land thieves in Oklahoma only generated $40.9 million in revenue from football.  So if you are keeping score at home that means Texas could buy and sell the rest of the Big XII and the Pac 10 the way Wendy’s founder Dave Thomas used to buy and sell orphans.*  College football is a story of the haves and Kansas States and Pac-10s of the world, and Texas certainly is head of the class in the haves column.  As a Longhorn, let me humbly say: WOOOOO HOOOOO!! 

*This may or may not be baseless rank speculation.  Not about Dave Thomas though, he was pure unadulterated evil.

Read Full Post »

Tony Parker’s Former Security Guard Helps Secure Tony’s Belongings on Craigslist

A former security guard assigned to provide security services to Tony Parker’s home has been arrested after stealing from Mr. Longoria.  The security guard, who was already wanted for a previous burglary, helped himself to a signed Michael Jordan jersey and attempted to sell the jersey, worth over $20,000.00, for $500.00 on Craigslist. Unfortunately, this budding investment banker was unable to offload his collateralized autographed jersey-backed security (far below market value and priced to move!) before he was caught by Bexar County Sheriff’s Deputies.

"And I can't stress this enough ... no matter how he says he is reformed don't let Bernie Madoff run your portfolio."

Read Full Post »

Woodward and Bernstein Wish They Broke This Story

The Arizona Republic has done what no other publication, talk show host, or D’backs employee could do:  they have gotten to the root cause of the D’backs’ bullpen struggles.  Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the bullpen phone.

Can we get a Lady GaGa ringtone down there or something? A little "Poker Face" never scared anyone.

Read Full Post »

Bill Williamson: Shawne Merriman is More Essential Than Tom Brady

I'd Say This Picture Could Change Bill Williamson's Mind

Bill Williamson – ESPN’s 10th ranked writer based on looks (as prepared by reputable political website SoD) – recently offered his argument in ESPN.com’s “Double Coverage” that Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman is more essential to his team than Patriots QB (Steamy White Looks?) Tom Brady is to his. No seriously.

Now I realize that it’s June 10th and the NFL writers need something to do – but did they really need to force Merriman v. Brady down our throats? Both players missed most of the 2008 season and that’s about where the comparison should end. Sure the Chargers went from 11-5 in 2007 to 8-8 in 2008 without Merriman and sure Merriman is a 3-time Pro Bowler and 2006 All-Pro – but more valuable than Brady? In case you’ve forgotten let me throw a few stats at you:

Read Full Post »

Mullet Enthusiast Randy Johnson Wins 300th Game

After 21 years in the major leagues Randy Johnson earned his 300th win, beating the pathetic Nationals 5-1. Johnson celebrated by hugging his son, his teammates and his manager, knifing a drifter (would it shock you if this was true? Really?) and buying a new industrial sized jar a Vaseline to rub into his glorious Kentucky Waterfall. The Expos Astros Diamondbacks Yankees Diamondbacks Giants’ pitcher became just the 24 player to win 300 games. 

Randy Johnson celebrating his 300th win.

Read Full Post »

Ichiro Extends Hit Streak . . . Mariners Fans Postpone Suicides

Am I needlessly kicking Mariners fans while they are down? Yes.

Do not despair Seattle fans: Ichiro is here. Ichiro Suzuki has extended his hit streak to 26 games, a career best and Mariners’ record.  The Mariners are only four games below .500.  And, while this may not seem all that impressive in the abstract, when viewed in context this is a smashing success.  In the last year, Seattle fans have lost the Sonics, the Seahawks are coming off a 4-12 season, the Washington Huskies went 0 for everything, and Dr. Greenbaumberg has lost his Detlef Schrempf life sized anatomically correct “action figure.” 

Read Full Post »

Happy Anniversary Oklahoma City Thunder!

1979 NBA Champs

In lieu of the Nightcap I’d like to pay tribute to a very special team celebrating a very special anniversary – that team is the Oklahoma City Thunder.

30 years ago today (June 1st), the Thunder (I believe then known as the Seattle Supersonics or something like that) won their first and only NBA Championship in franchise history – defeating the Washington Bullets

Read Full Post »

ESPN NFL Writer Power Rankings Based on Looks: May 2009 Edition

As you may be aware, ESPN recently released their NFL Power Rankings for the month of May. We here at SoD thought it was about time we added our two cents. However we all quickly realized that regurgitating rankings on the teams would be pretty boring (particularly in May) so we reverted to what makes us all great – ranking complete strangers based solely on their looks. With that, enjoy SoD’s inaugural ESPN NFL Writer Power Rankings (based on looks).

The rankings were determined by a panel of : Louie Renown, Career Sgt. Zim, and Scott Howard.

Read Full Post »

Rod Graves, Harbinger of Agents’ Demise!

Rod has come for agents souls.

Various sources are reporting that big cry baby disgruntled Cardinals WR Anquan Boldin has fired super-agent Drew Rosenhaus. Rosenhaus released a statement essentially confirming his termination via Twitter, as super-agents are wont to do.  Just last month Karlos Dansby also fired his long term agent, Kirk Wood; however, unlike Boldin, Dansby has a very good shot of getting his contract redone. What can we learn recklessly speculate from these seemingly unrelated firings? Rod Graves is a remorseless killer of agents (although in light of John Clayton putting the Cards 16th in ESPN’S May Power Rankings, perhaps killer clown is more like it).

Read Full Post »