Mullet Enthusiast Randy Johnson Wins 300th Game

After 21 years in the major leagues Randy Johnson earned his 300th win, beating the pathetic Nationals 5-1. Johnson celebrated by hugging his son, his teammates and his manager, knifing a drifter (would it shock you if this was true? Really?) and buying a new industrial sized jar a Vaseline to rub into his glorious Kentucky Waterfall. The Expos Astros Diamondbacks Yankees Diamondbacks Giants’ pitcher became just the 24 player to win 300 games. 

Randy Johnson celebrating his 300th win.

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Weekend Quick Hits

These are the stories that happened while we were busy spending time with our loved ones destroying our livers via light and responsible social drinking . . . no we don’t have a problem, lots of people wake up naked licking sap off a pine cone in a church. Unjustified accusations aside, these stories are worth mentioning but do not deserve their own column.

• Jeremy Mayfield suspend for positive drug test. The driver/owner was indefinitely suspended for violating NASCAR’s substance abuse policy. The only thing we know for certain is that it was not alcohol, NASCAR won’t say what the banned substance Mayfield took was but called it a “serious infraction,” and defined it as a recreational or performance-enhancing drug. NASCAR does not publish a definitive list of banned substances. Recreational or performance-enhancing is a very broad swath of possibilities, he could have been taking anything from a Clemens favorite, winstrol, to part of Corie Blount’s personal stash, my personal favorite theory is that he failed the test based on his use of over-the-counter allergy medication, Claritin D, a NASCAR sponsor.

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Wholesome Family Entertainment, American Style

You, our faithful readers, have been clamoring for more, or rather any NASCAR coverage and the Career Sgt is here to give it to you.  For those of you not in the “know”, NASCAR is America’s #1 spectator sport.  It provides a wholesome brand of family entertainment, that is particularly popular in the South.  Admittedly, calling it a Sport is questionable.  All you have to do is look at some of the drivers and it begins to look closer to bowling than a real sport. 

Yes, I am a highly paid successful athlete. Why do you ask?

But, you can always count on the South to bring it hard when it comes to entertainment (see Mardi Gras) and Sunday’s race at Talladega showed you why fans at some tracks have to sign waivers.

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