Tony Parker’s Former Security Guard Helps Secure Tony’s Belongings on Craigslist

A former security guard assigned to provide security services to Tony Parker’s home has been arrested after stealing from Mr. Longoria.  The security guard, who was already wanted for a previous burglary, helped himself to a signed Michael Jordan jersey and attempted to sell the jersey, worth over $20,000.00, for $500.00 on Craigslist. Unfortunately, this budding investment banker was unable to offload his collateralized autographed jersey-backed security (far below market value and priced to move!) before he was caught by Bexar County Sheriff’s Deputies.

"And I can't stress this enough ... no matter how he says he is reformed don't let Bernie Madoff run your portfolio."

Read Full Post »

Lil’ Penny Welcomes the Lebron Puppet to the Island of Disgraced Corporate Mascots

Shhhh, Nike would like people to forget you existed!

With Cleveland’s early departure from the NBA Playoffs, Nike is stuck with a worthless ad campaign staring the Lebron puppet. Sources confirm that Nike has done the only thing it can do in this situation: It has exiled the puppet to the Island of Disgraced Corporate Mascots, current home to the likes of Lil’ Penny, the pets.com sock puppet, the Taco Bell Chihuahua and the “you’re getting a Dell” dude.

Read Full Post »

Joe Paterno Will Be Dead in the Cold Cold Ground Before Catholics Are Allowed in the Big Ten

Early this week at an alumni event, octogenarian Joe Paterno said he would not welcome Notre Dame to the Big Ten. He said he would like to see Rutgers, Pittsburgh or Syracuse join the Big Ten so that the conference can expand from 11 teams to 12 and have an important conference championship game. Notre Dame has repeatedly refused offers to join the Big Ten, preferring to remain a football independent with its own oversize CBS contract. Ever since working for the Spanish Inquisition as a young man, Joe Paterno has opposed the Pope’s influence and he isn’t about to stop now.

Read Full Post »

Might As Well Jump

The real reason Chen wanted to end it all? He just saw this movie.

People who like to jump:  David Lee Roth.  Hayden Christensen. The people in this movie.  Count Chen Fuchao out of this group.  After several hours of threatening to jump to his death from a bridge in China, Mr. Fuchao was “helped along” by a friendly Chinese passerby, Lai Jiansheng, who shook hands with him and then gave him a little push on his way.   Jiansheng’s reasoning for pushing Fuchao — he was holding up traffic.  And you thought L.A. freeways were tough.

I have a couple of observations here.  First, according to Chinese reports (we all know how reliable those are), Mr. Fuchao was distraught over being in debt.  Yeah.  And?  Sounds fishy.  Second, the report states Mr. Fuchao fell 26 feet onto a partially inflated airbag suffering minor injuries.  26ft?  Two stories?  Way to go for the gold with ol’ suicide attempt Chen.  No word if the partially inflated airbag was supplemented by a painting of an airbag on the concrete.

Pay no attention to the blight behind the curtain!

Read Full Post »

Unidentified Flying Obsession

Arizonans LOVE seeing UFO’s. It’s been proven time and time again. This story about sightings of a magical clear bubble ship NASA weather balloon is further proof of Arizona’s obsession with UFO’s. One has to wonder why Arizona is so frequently the destination of choice for alien craft? Is it the mild winters? The influx of crystal-worshiping burnouts in Sedona and Tucson? Who knows? One thing is for certain, as you can tell from the credited photographer of the picture accompanying the azcentral.com story, we may be dealing with some biased observers.

Looks like a "Wonkavator" to me.

Read Full Post »

Kobe v. Lebron = Nuggets v. Magic?

Check out the latest Facebook entries in Vitamin Water’s new Kobe-Lebron ad campaign:

Stern does not like to be disturbed in his regeneration chamber.

vitaminwater so now the great debate really begins. last year’s MVP, this year’s MVP- on a collision course to meet in the championship. weigh in with your opinion today.

vitaminwater with these two MVPs destine to meet in the championship, the great debate burns on: who is the better player right now, Kobe or Lebron? fuel the fire…

Two observations.  One, Vitamin Water’s ad people might want to proofread this stuff for typos (Kettle.  Black.  Pleasure to meet you.) 

Read Full Post »

College Football Playoff Advocates Shocked by BCS Having Attained Self-Awareness

The Bowl Championship Series has paid former Oklahoma Sooner Felonious Land Thief and former U.S. Congress person J.C. Watts over $260,000.00 over the last five years for helping the BCS in Congress.  Is  J.C. Watts trying to torture OU fans everywhere?  After all, the BCS did bring the wretched Sooner faithful this wonderful game:

You have my attention J.C., go on . . . anything that can lead to more of this:

Mmm, yes more tears . . . more . . . MORE . . . MORE!!!

is a proposal I will entertain.

Read Full Post »