Joe Paterno Will Be Dead in the Cold Cold Ground Before Catholics Are Allowed in the Big Ten

Early this week at an alumni event, octogenarian Joe Paterno said he would not welcome Notre Dame to the Big Ten. He said he would like to see Rutgers, Pittsburgh or Syracuse join the Big Ten so that the conference can expand from 11 teams to 12 and have an important conference championship game. Notre Dame has repeatedly refused offers to join the Big Ten, preferring to remain a football independent with its own oversize CBS contract. Ever since working for the Spanish Inquisition as a young man, Joe Paterno has opposed the Pope’s influence and he isn’t about to stop now.

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Hard Knocks Cover The Bengals: Football Scenes Optional

HBO announced that the Cincinnati Bengals would be this year’s sacrificial lamb team for its sort-of annual (when coaches are dumb enough to fall for it) training camp documentary.  I think we can all agree that this match-up is long overdue.  Let’s take a look at the cast roster of misfits for this year’s show:

2009 Cincinnati Bengals Team Photo

Jordan Palmer -Playing the Frank Stallone/Ozzie Canseco card to perfection.

Chris Henry – Doesn’t he really need his own show?  I think he is bigger than “Hard Knocks.”  No offense HBO.

Cedric Benson – We got our crier!  (And our policemens’ punching bag…)

Quan Cosby – Added solely for the purposes of replaying Erin Andrew’s comedy segment with Quan and Bill on draft day.

Maurice Purify – Hopefully with cameo appearances by Uncle Bobby. That’s right, Bobby’s his uncle.

Tank Johnson – See entry for Chris Henry.  PLEASE let Tank and Henry be roommates at camp. It will solve so many problems. THE SAME MATTER CANNOT OCCUPY THE SAME SPACE.  When they touch, both will be gone — just ask Ron Silver.  It’s science.

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I AM AT THIS PARTY!!!!!

(Editor’s Note: Derived from an exclamation made by a young lady who felt shunned by a gentleman at a party, this weekly column aims to remind you of some of the things you may have missed.)

I’m not sure how official all these rankings really are. . . According to ABC 15, Valley dreamboat weatherman Bill Bellis has been named “most accurate forecaster” for the second straight year.  Take that KPNX.  Frankly, I am a little skeptical.  There hasn’t been rankings this suspicious since Morty Seinfeld squared off against Lloyd Brides for the title of “Best Dad.”   How hard is it Bill?  95% of the year it is sunny and hot.  Even Brick Tamlin could get the weather right in Phoenix. Wow, that really escalated fast, didn’t it?

I majored in Atmospheric Sciences and minored in scoring chicks. (One of those degrees is made up.)

Mandelbaum! Mandelbaum!

 

Take 10 shots and call me in morning… Jay Cutler likes to drink…a lot.  According to the Chicago Tribune, “downfield might not be the only place new Bears quarterback Jay Cutler likes to take his shots.”  (My tagline was better.)  Even an idiot knows that this doesn’t exactly sit well with the whole “Type 1 Diabetes” thing.  I thought Vandy was a place of scholastic acheivement.  Isn’t that why they were the doormat of the SEC for all those years?

Territorial Pissings . . . Let me get this straight, Glendale wanted to build an arena for a mismanged team in an irrelevant sport and then let that team default on their lease and parking surcharges in the midst of massive citywide debt? (And not tell anyone about the default until after the story leaked.)  But, now Glendale is refusing to allow a massive casino hotel project which would bring paying customers to its city (rather than staying in Scottsdale and commuting to the games in Glendale) and employ Arizona’s workforce?  I honestly don’t know what to say to that logic.  I guess that’s why they will always be the second “dale.”

And there were flames, and I heard a voice say “Zuul!”  Since this is a column of weekly reminders, always remember to pay your respects to Gozer the Gozerian; lest you end up accidentally opening an interdimensional portal and unleashing a Mesopotamian god on your city.

Annoy the hot chick who lives down the hall from you, and this will happen.

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Wait ‘Til We Get Our Hanes Off You!

Recently an upstanding citizen (who will remain nameless – to protect the guilty) was denied entry into a third-rate dancehall based on his attire.  The offending garb: a plain white t-shirt.  Shocked?  You shouldn’t be.   There is silent war being waged on the white t-shirt.  Here are the facts.

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