The Two Jakes

On the eve of the NBA Draft, I wanted to take a look back at one of the more hilarious post-draft press conferences in recent Suns history.  I am speaking of the one-and-only Jake Tsakalidis, who responded to ESPN’s draft day questions with two words:  “Free” and “Strong.”  The “free” related to his ability to extricate himself from his then-current contract overseas.  The “strong” related to his ability to be a successful big man in the NBA.  I guess one out of two isn’t bad.

Oh, Jake was free alright but he certainly wasn't strong.

Through the magic of that thing they call the “world wide web,” I actually found a transcript of Jake’s first press conference with the Suns.  Below are the best excerpts with my comments in italics.  Enjoy.

BRYAN COLANGELO (Former Suns’ GM): Well, I’d like to thank everyone for coming today. Obviously, we are here to introduce the newest and the largest member of the Phoenix Suns Jake Tsakalidis. We’re happy to have Jake as a member of this team.

Remember the Colangelo family?  They used to run the team.  You know, back when it was financially and competitively successful.

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Bill Fuller to Interview at USC

He's hot, he's in the zone . . . and the keyboard player from the California Dreams wasn't available.

Coach Bill Fuller of the Deering Tornado’s Former NBA player and coach of the New Mexico State Aggies and Sacramento Kings Reggie Theus is set to interview with USC. Theus was 41-33 with the Aggies and 44-62 with the Kings, and nothing says dedication to running a clean  and winningprogram like hiring a guy with a losing record as a coach overall.  Apparently, the Trojans have decided that perhaps they need to replace men’s basketball coach and big money baller cum USC recruiting violations fall guy Tim Floyd with a guy whose most successful coaching experience came on an NBC Saturday morning sitcom. 

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David Carradine Wins Jonathan Brandis Lifetime Achievement Award

Gary Glitter Approves of East Asian Tourism.

Yesterday actor David Carradine was found dead in his Bangkok hotel, following an apparent suicide by hanging. (Note to Nicolas Cage: this is how you make Bangkok Dangerous not by making another shitty film). Carradine, star of such classics as Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror and My Suicide (was he just attempting to remake this film as a one man show?), was in Thailand to film a movie. Some have speculated Carradine was indulging in auto-erotic asphyxiation, and Dr. Greenbaumberg and the Thai Police are reporting that Carradine had a rope tied around his genitals, not sure how Dr. Greenbaumberg knew that . . . SoD prefers to speculate that he was not choking himself while using his very private kung fu grip.  

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San Francisco UFL Franchise’s Coaching Staff a Mount Rushmore of Failure

The UFL is taking epic failure to new heights. First, their foolproof business plan involves creating a new professional league to give Americans more football during the arid football wasteland that is the month of October.  Americans are clearly not clamoring for more football at a time when both the NFL and NCAA football is in full swing and many teams are still “in the hunt”. Second, they placed their headquarters in the mecca of sports, entertainment, and culture that is Casa Grande, Arizona. For those of you keeping score at home:

UFL – 0            Epic Failure – 2

Now comes the coup de grace: in a league full of NFL cast-offs and Arena League refugees, Dennis Green will be the head coach of the San Francisco franchise, and he will be leading a coaching staff full of all-stars of fail. Yes, Dennis, you are exactly who we thought you were . . . a walking example of Epic Fail.

This video drives Scott Howard to tears every time, but since it predates my Cards fanhood being unjustly thrust upon me, ole Zim still thinks it is funny.

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I AM AT THIS PARTY!!!!!

(Editor’s Note: Derived from an exclamation made by a young lady who felt shunned by a gentleman at a party, this weekly column aims to remind you of some of the things you may have missed.)

Njord is a total Red Sox fan.

Blow Me… Apparently, the Yankees have a jet stream heading out to right field of their 1.5 billion dollar stadium which has resulted in a shocking number of home runs. Yankee brass is not pleased. They have put out an APB for all wind engineers and other “scientists” (come on, we all know that the wind is controlled by Njord from his control room in Valhalla). The only real question — besides “why didn’t they get engineers BEFORE spending 1.5 billion?” — is how the Yankees can spin this to blame A-Rod.
Top Gun rules of engagement are written for your safety and for that of your team… Air Force One was apparently commandeered by Goose (RIP) and Mav this week as it made an unsettlingly low and unannouced flight over NYC for a photo shoot. Who would have guessed people might be a little sensitive to low-flying, unannouced flights in New York? I would have loved to been a fly on the wall during that planning session to hear the rationale for why this photo shoot was a good idea. Listen, I thought these rules were not flexible — the hard deck for this opertaion is 10,000 feet. At least, that’s what Viper said.

Sarver Replaces CEO, Starting Lineup/Biz Model to Follow…. Robert Sarver decided to steps aside this week as CEO of the Suns. We will remember his tenure fondly. His accomplishments include, (1) taking the most popular and financially successfuly team in Arizona and running them into financial ruin, (2) orchestrating the collapse of “seven seconds or less”-era Suns which were the most exciting team in the NBA, (3) hiring his best friend as GM even though he had no experience, and (4) waving a foam finger while leering at Suns dancers. If you call this success, remind me to choose epic failure.

Doug Davis Tries Harder When He Gets Paid More…. Diamondback fans, you may have noticed that Doug Davis is off to an unusually successful start to this season. His ERA is 2.91 and he has pitched into the late innings of almost ever game he has started. For a little insight into this surge in productivity, check out this recent quote by Doug who, woudn’t you know it, is in a contract year.

“I’m not saying that I didn’t have goals the last two years, but when you have something to strive for pitch to pitch, day to day, game to game, you really strive to do better.”

Ah, the modern professional athlete.

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Yankees Cut Ticket Prices From “Really Really Ridiculously Expensive” To “Ridiculously Expensive”

In case you haven’t heard, or seen it on the Yankee/Red Sox Sports Programming Network (ESPN), the New York Yankees have a brand new ballpark.  Apparently it is a world-class facility.  Problem is, no one in New York is going to see it because it costs about as much as a four year college education — at USC — for season tickets.

In recognition of this embarrassment dilemma, good ol’ Hank has decided to lighten the load by lowering tickets prices for all the premium seating which continues to remain glaringly empty on Yankee broadcasts.

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Looks Like Someone’s Got A Case Of The Mondays

For those of us in the wasteland of college football known as Arizona, the last four years have subjected us to the Rudy Carpenter Era and the Willie Tuitama Era.  Thankfully, both have ended.  What’s next for these two gunslingers?  Well neither was drafted in the NFL so it looks like its NFL Europe, Arena League, XFL the UFL.  

This is perfect for these two as the UFL has decided to headquarter its training and housing of players in (drumroll) Casa Grande, Arizona — perfectly positioned between the powerhouse mediocre progams of Tucson and Phoenix.  This has to be, as George McFly would say, “density.” 

 Therefore, without further ado, I give you the world’s first UFL draft breakdown in the form of a comparison between these soon-to-be stars of a league soon-to-be a trivia question on Jeopardy.

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5:01

Every Friday we designate this weekend’s honorary drinker.  You know, like a parade marshall.  Except cooler. 

This weekend we have chosen Chris Farley.  Go forth and imbibe.

“Smokin’, snortin’, shootin’, suckin’, tokin’, poppin’, droppin’. Let’s do a little dance…party with you” – from Black Sheep*

*Due to crappy intellectual property “rights” this scene, perhaps the funniest in Black Sheep, has been removed from You Tube.  Damn the man.

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How Much is that Player in the Window?

The NFL has invited 9 players to Radio City Music Hall in New York City for this years Draft.  They are: Baylor’s Jason Smith, Virginia’s Eugene Monroe, Ole Miss’s Michael Oher, Georgia’s Matthew Safford, Kansas State’s Josh Freeman, Wake Forest’s Aaron Curry, USC’s Brian Cushing, Texas Tech’s Douche Bag Extraordinaire Michael Crabtree, and Texas’s Brian Orakpo.  All of these players are virtually guaranteed to go by the 15th pick or so … except Josh Freeman. 

 

Josh Freeman is house trained and ready to love ... throwing the ball to the other team.

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Will Work 4 Food Service Industry

 

Is this the "American Idol" auditions?

So I keep hearing about how the economy really sucks.  It’s 2009’s version of “Jerome Bettis is from Detroit.”

I have been skeptical.  I mean Detroit is doing fine, right?  And, it is the capital of the auto industry.  Listen, until I see Peter Weller roaming the streets, it can’t be that bad. 

But, this story out of Mesa, Arizona is challenging my skepticism and causing me to reevaluate my position on the fate of the Western world.

When faced with this situation, there is only one thing you can do…..

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