The UFL is taking epic failure to new heights. First, their foolproof business plan involves creating a new professional league to give Americans more football during the arid football wasteland that is the month of October. Americans are clearly not clamoring for more football at a time when both the NFL and NCAA football is in full swing and many teams are still “in the hunt”. Second, they placed their headquarters in the mecca of sports, entertainment, and culture that is Casa Grande, Arizona. For those of you keeping score at home:
UFL – 0 Epic Failure – 2
Now comes the coup de grace: in a league full of NFL cast-offs and Arena League refugees, Dennis Green will be the head coach of the San Francisco franchise, and he will be leading a coaching staff full of all-stars of fail. Yes, Dennis, you are exactly who we thought you were . . . a walking example of Epic Fail.
This video drives Scott Howard to tears every time, but since it predates my Cards fanhood being unjustly thrust upon me, ole Zim still thinks it is funny.
Denny’s coaching staff represents a cavalcade of poor decisions, beginning with Mike Kruczek as offensive coordinator. You may remember Kruczek as the offensive coordinator from the dreadful 2004-2006 Arizona Cardinals (if you do, I would like to introduce you to my friend Alcohol to help block out painful memories). Under Kruczek’s victory-challenged leadership, the Cardinals never finished better than 17th in scoring offense. A quality candidate to be sure, but oh god, there’s more.
Art Kehoe will be the offensive line coach. Art coached at the University of Miami from 1981 to 2005 during the Canes golden era. He was offensive line coach from 1995 to 2001 and offensive line coach/assistant head coach from 2002 to 2005. Is there any chance he will have half as much talent in the UFL as he had at Miami? If you think so, you probably bet on Mr. T in Rocky III. Remember, Kehoe’s 2001 offensive line had 6 players who went on to play in the NFL: Martin Bilba, Vernon Carey, Joaquin Gonzalez, Carlos Joseph, Bryant McKinnie, and Brett Romberg. Now after a unsuccessful stint at Ole Miss and as the interim coach at Louisiana Tech, he is in the UFL . . . if that isn’t a fall from grace I don’t know what is.
Ty Willingham will be the special teams/running backs coach. Ask Dr. Greenbaumberg about Ty’s coaching abilities. No really, ask him. His resume is exquisitely summed up by the 2008 Washington Huskies’ 0-12 record, including the double-overtime loss to Washington State in the epic “Crapple Cup” (a game so bad awesome I drank every time Dr. Greenbaumberg wept softly for his Huskies).
With this assemblage of coaching prowess, I have only one prediction for the San Francisco UFL Franchise: EPIC FAILURE.