Only Figure Skater I’ve Ever Been Attracted To is Now Meth Dealer

I Loved You

If you’re like me you most certainly remember the 1998 U.S. Figure Skating Championships – this was the year American institution Michelle Kwan won gold, future Olympic gold medalist Tara Lipinksi won silver, and Nicole Bobek finished with the bronze.  However it was a 21 year-old Bobek that skated away with a young Scott Howard’s heart – and by heart I mean…I thought she was like really hot.  Like Dominique Moceanu before her (my object of affection at the ’96 Summer Olympics), I imagined a scenario in which she’d be taken with my teenage charm and lack of skating ability –

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Albuquerque Isotopes Get A New Prospect

Apparently the single greatest promotion in minor league baseball history is starting an MLB future Hall of Famer who is serving a 50-game suspension for steriods. The Albuquerque Isotopes drew the highest crowd for a baseball game — ever — in Albequerque, New Mexico (which probably means the largest ever in New Mexico).

It just goes to show that the total list of people who actually care about steriods includes (1) baseball writers; (2) grandstanding politicians; and (3) the producers of Outside the Lines.  In New Mexico, eh, they don’t judge a man for experimenting with his femine side through the recreational use of a little female fertilty hormones.

For more information on the connection between steroids, female fertility drugs, and body building, you should check out this 1994 documentary.

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Ever Wanted Listen To “I Am The Walrus” Underwater?

Reports are that Michael Phelps will sign his first endorsment deal since photographs of him smoking “the pot” (as Katie Couric so lovingly refers to it) were released last year.  No, all you jokesters, it isn’t a new multi-year deal with High Times magazine, Captain Crunch, or Trails.

For one magical summer in 1998, these guys sat atop both the AP and Coaches' Polls as the #1 ranked deep-core oil drilling team in the world.

The new deal will be with H20 Audio, a company who makes waterproof headphones and accessories.  

This got me thinking about who exactly needs this product.  Isn’t this a niche market?  How many people are really desperate for underwater headphones? 

After some brief brainstorming, I came up with the following list: (1) swimmers; (2) surfers; (3) scuba divers; (4) Bruce Willis’ #1-rated deep-core oil drilling team; and (5) old people who do pool aerobics. 

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Weekend Quick Hits

These are the stories that happened while we were busy spending time with our loved ones destroying our livers via light and responsible social drinking . . . no we don’t have a problem, lots of people wake up naked licking sap off a pine cone in a church. Unjustified accusations aside, these stories are worth mentioning but do not deserve their own column.

• Jeremy Mayfield suspend for positive drug test. The driver/owner was indefinitely suspended for violating NASCAR’s substance abuse policy. The only thing we know for certain is that it was not alcohol, NASCAR won’t say what the banned substance Mayfield took was but called it a “serious infraction,” and defined it as a recreational or performance-enhancing drug. NASCAR does not publish a definitive list of banned substances. Recreational or performance-enhancing is a very broad swath of possibilities, he could have been taking anything from a Clemens favorite, winstrol, to part of Corie Blount’s personal stash, my personal favorite theory is that he failed the test based on his use of over-the-counter allergy medication, Claritin D, a NASCAR sponsor.

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Toledo Point Shaving Scandal Leads To 20 Indictments. Damn, I Had The U.S. Gov’t Minus 25

With the final indictments coming today, the Toledo point shaving scandal has moved back into the forefront of the sports news cycle.  Let’s take a look back at some of the all-time greats to see where the guys from Toledo stack up.

Hey kids, Hot Rod says "Cocaine is a helluva drug!"

• 1951 – In 1950, City College won the NIT and the NCAA tournaments.  That’s right, both (and the only school to ever accomplish the feat).  The next year some of those players, along with 32 players from seven colleges, were indicted for fixing over 86 games between 1947 and 1950.  Notably, a referee (also identified in the investigation) who fixed six NBA games was not prosecuted because apparently New York didn’t have a law prohibiting referee’s from fixing games.  The more things change, etc….
• 1978-79 – Boston College players are implicated in fixing nine games.  Organized crime figure and Goodfellas inspiration Henry Hill masterminds the fix.  My favorite quote allegedly attributed to Hill as a motivator for the players, “You can’t play basketball with broken hands.”  No you can’t Mr. Hill, sir.  What would you like me to do?
• 1984-1985 – John “Hot Rod” Williams and others are accused of shaving points. Two players testify that they shaved points in exchange for cash and cocaine.  What, no hookers?  Ah…the 80’s (cue “Push It To The Limit”).
• 1994 – Western University Dolphins.  Senior guard “Tony” shaves points and is caught by Coach Pete Bell and other staffers.  Coach Bell later resigns amid controversy.
• 1997 – Arizona State and Stevin “Hedake” Smith.  The point shaving scandal closest to my heart.  Fifteen of twenty-two fraternities on campus had ties to the incident.  Plus, it spawned Big Shot: Confessions of a Campus Bookie starring David Krumholz.  Just think, without this movie he would have never landed that starring role in Numb3rs (CBS’ Number One rated show on Fridays at 10 pm featuring a former cast member of the Santa Clause franchise).

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