If you listen to the radio at all you have probably heard those OnStar commercials where they play live calls from people using OnStar in an emergency. But, maybe you haven’t noticed the disturbing escalation of the emergency calls they are choosing. That’s why they pay me the big bucks. I notice these things.
The original commercials usually had a recording of some “funny” problem where someone locked their keys or cellphone (or dog) in the car. It was all laughs and harmless anecdotes. It made you feel good inside. Then all of the sudden the people down at OnStar apparently got restless. Out went the lighthearted commercials and in came the steadily increasing tragedy.
First it was the call where someone witnessed a pile up on the freeway due to black ice. Tragedy from a distance. Then came a call where a person had their airbag deploy but they were unharmed. Personal shock and fright, but no physical harm.
Today, OnStar upped the ante again. I heard a commercial featuring a guy trapped in his vehicle wailing in pain with two broken legs. What is this Faces of Death? Here I am driving to work in the morning enjoying the peaceful downtime between Doug and Wolf’s alternating segments of incessant yelling and wholesale failure to stay on any one point for more than 45 seconds when my ears are treated to a recording of a human being trapped in a demolished car with two broken legs. Great OnStar. I now mentally associate your product with wreckage, human suffering, and the trailer for Final Destination 4 (which is called The Final Destination — get it?).
Look we get it, OnStar. For a modest monthly fee, if we the consumer are ever in a horrifying and crippling car accident, we can push this little button and you will answer (pay no attention to the mobile phone that you all carry). But, let’s be real. We all know what we are really going to use this service for: finding the nearest liquor store or Jack in the Box at 2 am.