Hark! A throne sits vacant, and not just in the kingdom of Pop. As you citizens know, there is an important vacancy in our glorious kingdom of Pitchland following the death of the legendary bearded one, Billy Mays.
In keeping with Pitchland’s bylaws, the new King will be selected by out of a group of promising plebs. The selection ceremony will be conducted in the strictest of confidences by the glorious Pitchland council, including the likes of Bob Villa and Tova. As it was written in the long, long ago, the new King will be announced for the first time at the coronation ceremony when Merlin Jack LaLanne touches his sceptre upon the shoulders of the chosen one.
Here are the leading candidates:
ShamWow Guy Vince Shlomi – A relative newcomer on the scene who’s tragic legal and personal issues have all but derailed his once-promising ascension to the throne. The Lifegivers are unpredictably half forgiving and half forever resentful. Only they can guess which fate awaits this candidate to the throne.
The Real Estate Midgets John and Greg Rice – The first serious twin contenders to throne since the Doublemint girls. These lilliputians pitch dreams of large fortunes to supply your need for miniature-sized luxury yachts, cars, and vacation homes. As it is written, the Lifegivers are quite fond of midgets. Twin midgets are even better.
Russ Dalbey – Once the leading pitchman for real estate “note” fortune making, the crumbling economy of the Lifegivers has left Dalbey searching for answers. A chance at the throne could revitalize his diminishing star.
Once the new King is announced and Order returns to Pitchland, the first task of the new King will be to represent this finest of fine products sent down from the Lifegivers. Rejoice!