As the NBA Finals begin you’ll see all sorts of pundits pose such thought provoking questions as – Can Kobe win his 4th ring? Will Andrew Bynum be able to hold Dwight Howard down? and Will Jameer Nelson play? Here at SoD there is one issue that has puzzled us more than any other – what in the holy hell is the Orlando Magic Mascot?
A quick google search indicates it is called “Stuff the Magic Dragon.” See what the Magic did there? Touche Orlando P.R. team…touche. Somehow this horrifying, Pee-Wee’s playhouse reject rose from my nightmares to become the mascot for the Orlando Magic. Notwithstanding the fact that he has horns coming out of his head and running through his nose he seems relatively harmless…or so you’d think.
A check of the Magic website reveals a few disconcerting facts about “Stuff”, as his bio claims the following:
- Weight: broke the scale – way to be a nice role model for the kids, Stuff. Unable to control your weight to the point where it impairs the functionality of a scale.
- School: Dragon U – I’ve looked into this and there is no Dragon U. What are you hiding Stuff?
- Studies: fire breathing, mountain circling, treasure hording, castle plundering, knight-slaying, and kid-hugging – I put the last one in bold for emphasis. Kid hugging? Very disturbing stuff (pun intended).
As a troubling supplemental fact to Stuff’s love of kid-hugging – you can purchase his services for birthday party appearances. For the low low price of $300, Stuff will do the following:
STUFF arrives with an escort in his customized Fanbulance, makes a dynamic confetti entrance, and storms the party with silly string and energetic antics. Take the time to grab as many personal photos as you like during the autograph session, as STUFF delivers an autographed picture card to every attending child. STUFF delivers a personalized STUFF birthday card and Prize Pack to the birthday honoree and then leads “The Happy Birthday Song” before zipping away again in his custom ride!
Would you trust Stuff with your children for 15-20 minutes? I certainly wouldn’t.
What would I hire Stuff to do for 15-20 minutes? Show up at my house when I’m alone, make a confetti entrance, take about 30 personal photos with me, sing me happy birthday and then leave. That sounds like a good use of $300 to me. I wonder if he’ll come to Phoenix?