On Wednesday the NBA Store announced the 2008-2009 rankings for both individual and team jersey sales. I suppose the results aren’t that surprising since, well, people are pretty big tools. I do have a few general takeaways though:
- How does Allen Iverson’s Pistons jersey come in 5th? He averaged a career low 17.5 ppg and was basically a healthy scratch for the playoffs. But I suppose the youth of America still loves A.I.
- I’m glad to see Chris Paul in 3rd; you don’t typically see the appreciation for an NBA assist leader.
- Nate Robinson at 8th is frightening. What is the mind-set there? “Man, I really love the Knicks, I’ll buy whatever jersey is in the store.” Let me make a humble suggestion to all those Knick fans thinking that: go ahead and pick up a throwback. Walt Frazier, Willis Reed, and Patrick Ewing are all solid suggestions. Hell, break out a John Starks for all I care, at least he played in the playoffs.
One thing I wished when reading that list was that it went beyond 15 players or 10 teams. Thus with that in mind I’ve concocted what I believe to be the bottom 5 players and bottom 5 teams:
26. Los Angeles Clippers – This high! I know! They’d probably be a few spots lower if they didn’t pick up Baron Davis in the off-season. You’ve got to think former high school classmate Kate Hudson picked up enough Davis jerseys to nearly lift the Clippers out of the bottom 5.
27. Milwaukee Bucks – Quick name 3 players on the Bucks. Exactly. Sorry Jack Sikma nor Fred Roberts counts here.
28. Charlotte Bobcats – If owner Robert Johnson (founder of BET) set out to create the most boring and bland team in the history of basketball, he succeeded. And with flying colors. Even if this team had Kobe Bryant, LeBron James, and Chris Paul would they move jerseys?
29. Memphis Grizzlies – Just put these guys out of their misery. Has anyone ever even met a Grizzlies fan? If you have please let me know, firstname.lastname@example.org. I would love to hear any stories. I think Bryant “Big Country” Reeves might still be the highest selling jersey in the history of the Grizzlies franchise.
30. Sacramento Kings – Who’s jersey are you going to buy off of this team? Leading scorer Kevin Martin? I think Kevin Martin could come into my house, sit down, have a beer with me, tell me he’s Kevin Martin, and I’d still ask him who the fuck he was. Spencer Hawes? Not unless you’re Dr. Greenbaumberg. Rashad McCants? I think breaking up with the other Kardashian sister is really going to put a dent in his jersey sales.
Individuals (an unscientific list…it had to at least be somewhat feasible that they make the jersey):
446. Joel Przybilla – Portland Trailblazers – White center + less than 6 ppg + main strengths being rebounding/blocked shots + smaller market + White (yes it needs to be in the equation twice) = poor jersey sales. If Pryzbilla is offended Greg Oden can talk to him wistfully about the 1940’s to calm him down.
447. J.J. Redick – Orlando Magic – Have the Dukie’s even bailed on this guy now? He scored 964 points in 36 games during his senior season at Duke. He has 774 in 140 career NBA games. Ouch. Remember when Redick and the next guy on our list were the best players in college hoops?
448. Adam Morrison – Los Angeles Lakers – Maybe a few people picked up his Bobcats jersey (as seen above), but how many of you even knew he played for the Lakers? I forgot he even existed until I saw that he got in a fight with Sasha Vujacic the other day. Come to think of it…if he beats the shit out of Vujacic I’ll pick up a Morrison Lakers jersey.
449. Darko Milicic – Memphis Grizzlies – LeBron, Melo, D-Wade, Chris Bosh. 4 players on the 2008 Gold Medal winning Redeem Team. Also the 1st, 3rd, 4th, and 5th picks in the 2003 NBA Draft. I think you remember who was second. Good pick Joe Dumars. I really hope someone owns this jersey…but I doubt they do.
500. Jerome James – Chicago Bulls – Isiah Thomas gave him a $30 million dollar contract so you’ve got to think that a few Jerome James jerseys are out there right? Imagine being one of the lucky ones to have it? You’d have to think you immediately become 86% less valuable as a person when you slip it on. 20 bucks to any parent who buys there kid a Jerome James jersey and sends a picture of their face upon receipt. Nothing quite like the moment a child realizes his/her parents don’t love them.
So that’s that. But please take it with a grain of salt as this is coming from someone who owns both an Oliver Miller and Wesley Person Suns jersey.