Dear Eric Byrnes,
We have been seriously looking back upon our connection and getting very clear on what we need and desire out of a relationship, and we don’t need an overpaid 33 year old loafer in the outfield. The conclusion we have come to is that we are too different in both our personality and our desired lifestyles to be able to successfully live together with joy, bliss, good communication, and interaction.
This is not about you or about me “winning or losing”(actually it is), or about one of us being wrong — this is not about your anemic .115 batting average or your pathetic .226 on base percentage all for the bargain price of $11,666,666 for the 2009 season — it is about two ways of being… which do not fulfill each other, or go together. Though we had been open to hoping that you could possibly live up the mediocrity that caused us to give you that ridiculous extension, it is now very clear that we are not ‘right’ for each other at this time in our lives.
Please forgive yourself, and us, for any ‘mistakes’ we made along the way, like your television show, but the time has come to move on. Basically what we are saying is that we would like for us all to pursue ‘other opportunities’. We feel at this time, that we need to move on with our life. You need to accept that this relationship is over and open yourself up giving 47% for another organization… We think we all need to let go of the past, be grateful for what we had for a time, learn from our experiences, and move on from there. Remember the good times, like 2007 when you hit .287.
It has been our experience, that all relationships that end are simply opening the door to another level of joy, and a better relationship built on what we have learnt in the past. So we know and trust that there is an organization out there who will support you in your growth while loving you exactly the way you are, a smelly, lazy hippie … which is something that we were not doing for each other. We constantly judged and criticized you, in the same manner that you… just didn’t care to try. Out there is the perfect organization for you that will love you and not find a single thing to criticize about you in the same way that you will not find a single thing to criticize about them… if criticizing didn’t take so much effort.
Do not see this as losing something, but rather as having gained knowledge and wisdom… Everything that you learned from us being together, as well as from us being separated, you will be able to put in practice in your next relationship to avoid the traps that we got into. We learned not to give huge extensions to lazy players on the downside of their career and you learned… oh hell, who cares what you learned.
We wish you joy, we wish you happiness, we wish you would die a slow and painful death heaven on earth. Please trust in yourself and the Universe enough to take some deep breaths, and start looking to find and create joy in your life. It is there… simply step out and claim it. Don’t bother packing up your locker, we already boxed up your shit and a cab is waiting outside.
Diamondbacks Season Ticket Holders