Last night, Louie and I observed first-hand the coming out party for Pipp Young’s possible replacement, Aussie superman Trent Oeltjen.

Hello, ladies. .

In addition to a dazzling smile and dreamy eyes, the “Youngster from Down Undster” ™ went four for four, with a double, triple and single, just missing the cycle by throwing in another single in the ninth inning.  He also drew a walk in his first at-bat and had a nifty diving catch in left field.  So, yes, I am prepared to anoint Oeltjen as the next coming of the Iron Horse (nothing to do with Tony Stark, you ignorant masses).  I look forward to his long, dominant career, creepy too-close relationship to his mother, bitter private rivalry with a gregarious, much-loved, booze-hound, skirt-chaser, curse-causing, power-hitting teammate, crippling illness, and heart-wrenching all-time-great retirement speech (70 years ago this year!  This was big news when I was in high school).  Cheers!

Oeltjen’s dreaminess was confirmed to this reporter by a local self-described “cougar,” so I’m confident that his cross-gender appeal will be strong enough to replace Eric Byrnes, may he rest in peace.  On a rare note of optimism in this space (ignoring Mr. Howard’s increasingly bitter pro-Suns diatribes), the current Diamondbacks’ outfield of Oeltjen, Parra, and Romero point to increasing organizational depth in the outfield.  If the GM can build a bullpen intelligently, that is, without spending a ton of money or giving up prospects (see the 2009 Seattle Mariners for a positive example, the train wreck Mets as a negative), the team should expect a much brighter 2010.

SeasonsofDiscontent.com

Pay particular attention to the local Chicago news guy and his interview of disco murderer, DJ Steve Dahl.  (Between 3:14 and 4:00 on the clip below)

If you must take away something from disco’s death, I give you these two lessons

1. Humans will find just about any excuse to engage in mass looting and destruction; and
2. As Rick James says, cocaine is a helluva drug.

2009 Summer League All-Star Adam Morrison

1. Jerryd Bayless (POR) – 29.8 (3.0 ppg, 5.5 mpg)
2. Donte Greene (then HOU) – 22.6 (3.8 ppg, 13.2 mpg)
3. Quincy Douby (then SAC) – 22.3 (4.4 ppg, 11.1 mpg)
4. Alando Tucker (PHX) – 21.6 (4.6 ppg, 9.4 mpg)

Great.  Two of the four top scorers were traded and Alando Tucker…yes, that Alando Tucker….was the leading scorer of the bunch during the 2008-2009 regular season.  Don’t get me wrong, 27 and 12 is nice (especially when compared with Greg Oden’s 9.5 and 3.5 in two games followed by microfracture surgery).   But, when that performance is equal to that of Sideshow Bob Lopez it tends to put things in perspective.

I Loved You

If you’re like me you most certainly remember the 1998 U.S. Figure Skating Championships – this was the year American institution Michelle Kwan won gold, future Olympic gold medalist Tara Lipinksi won silver, and Nicole Bobek finished with the bronze.  However it was a 21 year-old Bobek that skated away with a young Scott Howard’s heart – and by heart I mean…I thought she was like really hot.  Like Dominique Moceanu before her (my object of affection at the ’96 Summer Olympics), I imagined a scenario in which she’d be taken with my teenage charm and lack of skating ability – you know to the point where it would be disarming and cute – and we’d date for a while, at least until Moceanu finally came around.  Either way she was unlike anything I’d ever seen in the world of figure skating.  In a sport of teenage girls with tiny bodies, Bobek just had boobs something different.

Although the wheels came completely off for Bobek in the Winter Olympics – where she finished 17th – I didn’t care, we were still meant to be together.  Shockingly Nicole and I grew apart after the Nagano games – I started getting further into high school and she…well she turned into this:

Sigh.

After not hearing her name in 11 years imagine my surprise when I discovered my sweet Nicole had been arrested for conspiracy to distribute meth.  All together a pretty jarring outcome.  Unbeknown to me this wasn’t Bobek’s first rodeo.  When she was 17 she was arrested and charged with first degree home invasion.  While she’s still pretty cute in that “I will probably go home with you and then cut you” way, I’ll prefer to remember her as the 21 year-old blonde beauty that stole my child-like heart.

Unlike Lord Vigo, Waldo Did Not Prophesy of His Return Just Before His Head Died

Ralph Waldo McBurney, 106, died July 8, 2009, of natural causes.  In 2006, he was widely recognized as America’s Oldest Worker due to his “spry, agile” commitment to his craft as a beekeeper in pitiful Quinter, Kansas.  He wrote an autobiography about his first century on Earth in 2004 (I haven’t read it but since this guy spent his life in Kansas, it probably does not quite equal the literary value of the works of the other Ralph Waldo). 

In a country where being rich makes you famous and being old makes you a hero, Ralph Waldo McBurney was a hero.  Surely he’s busy filling that honey pot in heaven.  Oh, bother!

After last week’s holiday hiatus, we return with this week’s honorary drinker:  Eric Stratton.  Some people are Bluto guys.  Others are Neidermeyer guys.  A few people are even pants-less Donald Sutherland guys.  Me, I’ve always been an Otter guy.  Go forth and remember, when things get bad, it just means it’s time for a road trip.

There's always time for a nightcap at Otter's.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I’ll be brief.  The issue here is not whether we broke a few rules, or took a few liberties with our female party guests – we did.  But you can’t hold a whole fraternity responsible for the behavior of a few, sick twisted individuals. For if you do, then shouldn’t we blame the whole fraternity system?  And if the whole fraternity system is guilty, then isn’t this an indictment of our educational institutions in general?  I put it to you, Greg – isn’t this an indictment of our entire American society?  Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but we’re not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America.”  - Eric “Otter” Stratton

Juan Gutierrez pitching for Arizona.  Score: AZ 7 – FL 4.

J Hermida singled to center

J Baker walked, J Hermida to second

H Ramirez singled to right, J Hermida to third,  J Baker to second.

S Schoeneweis relieved J Gutierrez.

R Gload grounded into fielder’s choice to second, J Hermida scored, H Ramirez out at second, J Baker to third.  Score: AZ 7 – FL 5.

B Carroll homered to left, J Baker and R Gload scored.  Score: AZ 7 – FL 8.

E Bonifacio (Former D’back) reached on infield single to shortstop.

B Boyer relieved S Schoeneweis.

E Bonifacio goes from first to third on throwing error by pitcher B Boyer.

D Uggla singled to left, E Bonifacio scored.  Score: AZ 7 – FL 9.

J Cantu grounded into fielder’s choice to third, D Uggla safe at second on throwing error by third baseman M Reynolds.

C Ross singled to center, D Uggla scored, J Cantu to second.  Score: AZ 7 – FL 10.

J Hermida singled to left, J Cantu scored, C Ross to second.  Score: AZ 7 – FL 11.

J Baker doubled to deep left center, C Ross scored, J Hermida to third.  Score: AZ 7 – FL 12.

J Hermida scored, J Baker to third on passed ball by L Carlin.  Score: AZ 7 – FL 13.

H Ramirez walked (the first of three Marlin pinch hitters to hit TWICE in the top of the 8th!)

R Gload grounded into fielder’s choice to shortstop, J Baker scored, H Ramirez out at second.  Score: AZ 7 – FL 14.

B Carroll grounded out to third.

Inning totals: 10 Runs (Marlins franchise record), 8 Hits, 2 Errors, 1 passed ball, 14 Marlins ABs, and the worst collapse in D’backs history.

Such a performance can only be described by two words:  Epic Fail.

See ya next year D’back fans…

Matrix is coming to Dallas – I’m a little crushed by this.  While I didn’t exactly expect for Shawn Marion to come back to the Valley, I wasn’t necessarily ready to see him running and gunning with a Western Conference rival who actually cares about winning.  Through a few savvy off-season moves (re-signing J-Kidd, and acquiring both Marcin Gortat and Marion) the Mavs have actually positioned themselves to contend in the West.  Marion appearing on the Gambo & Ash show today and talking about how he felt “bad for the Suns fans” didn’t make me feel a whole lot better.

Nobody does Amare…nobody does – In the same week that Shawn Marion signed with Dallas, Amare Stoudemire was reached for comment on the future of himself and the Suns.  Stoudemire basically went on to say that he was willing to sign with the Suns and that he loved Phoenix but he “doesn’t know what the Suns’ plan is.”  Preach on STAT.  I’m pretty confident that Steve Kerr just sits in his office all day playing Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em robots with Robert Sarver.  I’d really appreciate if a staffer could confirm.  I promise I’ll keep you anoynmous.

D-Backs Bat Boy is Dumbest Human on Planet – Yesterday, Paola Boivin brought us the tale of the D-Backs batboy who for a period performed his bat boy duties with a plastic cup attached to his helmet – apparently part of a hilarious practical joke from the players.  Paola closed her blog post by stating that the bat boy (Tyler Nunn) also at one point searched for the remote control to the Chase Field roof, agreed to an errand of searching for a box of curve balls, and frantically searched for the key to the bullpen.  While I can only pray that Paola was just joking in a relatively non-funny manner – if she was not I demand that Tyler Nunn (who is a recently graduated HS student) be barred from reproducing immediately.  Whether it’s by sterilization or other means he needs to be stopped.

So see you all Monday – hopefully by that time it will be permissible to make Steve McNair jokes.  And just because we all need a little more Mark Linn-Baker in our lives -  here is the intro to Perfect Strangers.

Instead, the BCS and ESPN just schooled the Mountain West Conference on the fundamental tenets of Vader negotiation 101.  Here’s a quick review of that course, in case you missed it in college (set to the timeless music of Zakk Wylde):

In other words, don’t expect to see a Utah v. BYU national title game next year.